Anatomy of a Rant

Question intending to engage you? A partial answer to that question to draw you in further. Frustrating personal experience which prompted question and incited the rant that follows. Personal experience elaborated upon. Personal experience elaborated upon further in order to distribute blame to people other than myself. Outright complaint about personal experience! Disdain expressed toward whomever the blame landed upon! Back peddling excuses for what probably caused personal experience so as not to appear whiny or intolerant. Straight up whiny intolerance. Even more whiny intolerance. Self deprecating humor to keep reader engaged despite whiny intolerance. Bold justification for whiny and intolerant tirade.

Lofty, know-it-all statement explaining my philosophy on topic at hand. Explanation of my impressive credentials which are intended to give credence to my philosophy. Further blabbering on about my opinion with little to no fact to back it up. Well disguised wish that everyone else would just agree with me concerning topic at hand. Utter surprise that more people don't see it my way! Not so well disguised demand that everyone else just agree with me concerning topic at hand. Disgust that others don't have the world figured out as well as I do. Self congratulatory baloney. Open-ended suggestion followed by an "...". Back peddling excuses for other's ignorance so as not to appear conceited, self centered and puffed up. More self deprecating humor to really drive home point that I am not conceited, self centered and puffed up. Transparent statement indicating politically correct tolerance of other's ignorance.

Statement peppered with momentary defeat and disappointment about how difficult life really is for a healthy, middle class, white woman living in America. A little bit more humor to maintain likability. Last minute dig at all those jerks who are clearly to blame for my personal experience!

Thankful Thursday/ episode 14

for the past year, i've tried to get a book club started. it hasn't been easy to do ~ shocking, i know. but i'm trying again and this time we've chosen to read 100 years of solitude by gabriel garcia marquez. the novel is a nobel prize winner. it's smart, funny, engaging and complicated. the characters -members of a multi-generation family living in a made up town they founded- are rich, unique and varied. there's depth to each vein of the story without getting too bogged down in ultra preachy moralities. and as far as i'm concerned there isn't enough good stuff to say about it!

episode 14: "today i am thankful for... a great book to enjoy."

i'm loving this book so much that it won't bother me (all that much) if the actual book club falls through again. this book makes me want to turn off the television and read. this book makes me want to read it slowly -to savor it- so it will never end.

so today, i am thankful.

Still Foreign??

It's been 2.5 years since we relocated to Chattanooga. How long does it take for one to assimilate?

Because I’m still waiting...How much longer until this place feels less foreign? Even though I recognize all the little quirks it doesn't make them less quirky. When will I feel "at home"? Ever?

I've done all the "right" things. I've got a job. I've made friends. We bought a house. We've settled into a church. What more does it take? I'm living here as far as my brain is concerned, but my heart still longs to live far, far from here.

Actually, what I long for is to no longer long to be somewhere else.

My Birthday

Happy birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am one of those people who love my birthday. It is far and away my favorite holiday. Generally speaking, I function as a narcissist. Most days I love making life all about me. My birthday, therefore, is wonderful because it is the one time of year that my friends and family come close to celebrating me as much as I do. I rarely let the aging thing get in the way of enjoying being the center of attention. The more I am celebrated the better. In fact, there should be a law on the books requiring a crown and sash to be worn making your birthday known to all you come into contact with as you move about town. Don't you think that just makes perfect sense?

Typically I have the pleasure of stretching my birthday out over several days... More like a birth week. Because after all, 24 hours just really aren't enough to celebrate me. I've proven that fact year after year and the celebration of my 33rd year is no exception. I've had the pleasure of celebrating several days so far! Last weekend's trip to Nashville for NKOTB was part of my birthday. Yesterday we had dinner and saw a play to celebrate my birthday. This afternoon, a bunch of friends got together for lunch and ate red velvet (my new favorite) cake. And this evening I intend to watch television, read and relax. Initially I had planned to get some housework done before embarking on another work week; however my cake coma is preventing me from too much strenuous activity. I will instead be lazy and docile and function very much like a birthday princess for the duration of the day. Happy birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thankful Thursday/ episode 13

today i am thankful for... family.

Thankful Thursday/ episode 12

So, I never promised that every topic focused on for thankful Thursday was going to be super deep. Please keep that in mind as you read on.

My job is intense. Living far away from family and friends is intense. Real relationships with new friends can be intense. I know I’m not alone in feeling that life can be pretty intense. This is exactly why I am such a fan of trash television. I wish that I could say that my taste was too refined for The Real Housewives of New York City, but I can't. After a long day or a difficult encounter or bout of loneliness, it can be incredibly comforting to curl up and watch some reality (and can't we all agree that most is super far from reality?) Television.

Episode 12: "Today I am thankful for... Trashy television."

It provides an escape. It produces laughter and it reminds me that things could be so much worse. What I mean is that a television audience could be watching me stumble through my daily life while laughing at my missteps. Reality television appeals to me for a very simple reason. It's comforting to see that there are others out there as messed up as I am. I gotta admit I love me some High School Reunion. I'm all about Running in Heels and I never miss Kitchen Nightmares. There is little that is like mindless trash television to relax the brain and release some tension. And the great thing is my husband will watch with me!

So today, I am thankful.

to do this weekend...

friday:
~ pack bags into car
~ drive 450+ miles
~ have dinner at bandannas with my dad
~ enjoy a high school production of hello, dolly!
~ spend some much needed time with super old (like i've known them forever old - not aged old) friends

saturday:
~ coffee and cupcakes with my favorite cousin
~ try on many, many bridesmaid dresses and oooh and ahhh over many, many bridal gowns
~ dinner with my soon to be 21 year old sister
~ dessert with the fam

sunday:
~ church at the journey
~ lunch with a couple of my favorite gals, two good friends of my husband's, one sweet little one and one ambiguously attached but important other
~ drive 450+ miles back home to my amazing husband

monday:
~ re-pack and pick up my newest friend
~ drive to nashville
~ eat jimmy john's sandwiches
~ rock out to NKOTB
~ stay in a (hopefully) swanky hotel

tuesday:
~ sleep in
~ shop
~ drive back to chatt in time to make it to a meeting at work at 6 pm

can you believe how much fun????

since u been gone

i had a few itunes dollars leftover from christmas and decided to blow them today. with nothing in particular out there that i NEEDED to have, i was just surfing around for something new. i stumbled onto the new kelly clarkson single and it got me thinking. one of my favorite genres of music used to be angry chick break-up music. now, thanks to my handsome husband i never find myself tearfully searching through the ipod for kelly's breakaway, michelle brach's hotel paper or anything by fiona apple. at this point it is an absolutely ignored chunk of music in my very diverse ipod.

back in the day, i was heart deep in relationship drama on a regular basis. roller coaster relationships were my specialty. the cycle of blissful happiness, crushing heartbreak, self medicated indifference and doomed reconciliation typically came full circle almost weekly. as you can imagine, there were lots of opportunities for singing along to angry chick break-up music at the top of my lungs. can't you just picture me? i was full of angst and really wallowing in it. kelly, michelle and fiona were my go to girls. they understood. they perfectly articulated my pathos.

my how things have changed. now it's more likely that i'm listening to jason mraz's i'm yours than michelle branch's 'til i get over you. after all, nothing obliterates the need for angry chick break-up music like a functioning relationship coupled with a lifetime commitment. and today i'm realizing something. the one downside to my currently stable relationship is the absence of impassioned singalongs with my girls. so, i've decided to try to incorporate a little angry chick break-up music back into my repertoire. sure the emotion won't be genuine. i won't be as raw. but the drama queen still lives deep within me and she deserves to come out and sing every once in awhile.

Thankful Thursday/ episode 11

the weather is changing! today the temperature rose and the sun shone brightly. as i left work i got to roll down the windows, turn up the music and put on my sunglasses. it was fantastic - actually, it was springtastic.

episode 11: "today i am thankful for... my sunroof."

when i shopped for my car i had 2 things that were non-negotiable. the first was that the car had to be a manual transmission. the second was that it had to have a sunroof. days like today are the exact reason why. i love to drive, and i especially love to drive with the music up and the sunroof open.

living in a city like chattanooga where spring and fall are actually longer than 24 hours each i'm able to put the sunroof to great use. i look forward to today being the first of many more to come.

so, today i am thankful.

"Good fences.." And All That other Neighborly Stuff

Have I told you about our crazy neighbors? No, well let me fill you in.

Our first face to face encounter was a few months after we moved into our house. Neighbor lady (who originally bought our house in crack-den condition and sold it to jerkface who rehabbed it and sold it to us) came over to both greet us and convince us that we had bought in a great spot. Did I mention she's a real estate agent? I have a special distaste for real estate agents, and since I knew she fell into that category, poor neighbor lady had a strike against her before she opened her mouth. Anyway, she was in the process of gutting and redoing her house and wasn't living there yet. Back to the story, so one afternoon while checking on progress she came over to introduce herself and proceeded to point out all the houses which were full of people that we "just need to get rid of" to make the street perfect. It turned my stomach a bit when I realized that all but one of those people were black. Needless to say, my first impression was not so great.

I tried to remain hopeful as neighbor lady and her beau finished the work and moved into the house. I was excited because it all happened much more quickly than we anticipated. And truth be told, the less bark inducing hammering going on next door the better. But then they started work outside. Between the heavy handed landscaping out front and the array of fences that surround the compound, I can't say their house is pleasing to the eye. Seriously, there is not an inch of land left uncovered. It's like a nursery threw up in their front yard. It's filled with either shrubbery, trees, mulch or bizarre sculpture. And they have not one big ugly fence, but two. But, my mom reminded me, "Good fences make good neighbors." so, I tried to grin and bear it.

Apparently though they've drawn some attention since they've moved into the neighborhood. Their burglar alarm goes off pretty regularly. And it doesn't appear to be false alarms. I'm not quite sure if it started out as a personal vendetta or it's the house itself that is attracting the attention. But something is going on. Initially they didn't have any blinds or window coverings and their house is undoubtedly one of the largest on the street. Perhaps that is what is drawing crooks in like flies to honey? Or perhaps neighbor lady shared her hopes for the future of our street (you remember the racial purification?) with the wrong people... Whatever the reason, the attacks have become increasing more personal.

A few weeks ago, a pair of young men broke into their house and were caught by the police. Neighbor lady's beau testified against them in court and one ended up back in jail. A few weeks later the electric box was stolen from the side of their house in the middle of the night - I guess to cut the alarm. But somehow neighbor lady and her beau awoke during the robbery and noticed that the criminal had moved on to pouring oil all over their enormous, wooden, front porch. Seems the intention was to set it ablaze. (See what I mean? Not your average run of the mill burglar) I guess the arsonist was scared away initially, but waited a few minutes to return and try to finish the job. Upon his return, neighbor lady's beau got out his shot gun. He began firing "warning" shots into the night. I'm not quite sure what part of this story scares me the most.

1. We apparently now run the risk of getting hit by a stray bullet shot from a yuppie gun

2. We run the risk of being associated as friends of our neighbors and inviting this crap into our lives

Or

3. That I slept through the whole gun slinging incident.

The days to follow included armed guards patrolling their teeny tiny lot and the installation of a video monitoring system. In the end, 2 awful things came out of that situation for us as neighbors. First, I had to hear about the whole drama from neighbor lady. She screamed the story at the top of her lungs from her front porch - probably more for the benefit of the rest of the neighborhood than for me - and essentially kept me from getting to work on time. But that wasn't the bad part. The bad part was that she was in a mini robe and decided to bend over to pick something up during the discussion. I know it sounds like a cliché, but I’m telling the truth. It really happened. And let's just say I know neighbor lady way more intimately than I had ever hoped to. And the second awful outcome is that we now get to enjoy looking at that sign from our dining room window. It's just a few feet away and I guess it's the perfect incentive to get some curtains hung in there ASAP.

oscars round up

it was my intention to just kind of let the amazing festivities of last sunday stand for themselves, i mean was that a great show or what? but, by popular (or 2 people's) demand, i guess i'll share my 2 cents.

first, bravo, hugh jackman. he was wonderfully charming and funny and entertaining. i love the return of a good production number. if there is ever a time for over the top singing and dancing and glittery costumes it is oscar night (well, and i guess the tonys, but the oscars too, right?). steve martin and tina fey's bit was also really great, "don't fall in love with me." i actually laughed out loud. though i did find myself a bit confused during sean penn's well deserved oscar speech. his plea for our country to recognize gay marriage seemed less powerful when he didn't have the presence of mind to thank his own wife? did anyone else find that bizarre?

the fashion of the evening was spot on. in fact, there was only one time that i screamed at the television, "what is she thinking???" and i swear, jessica biel, it really was your choice of (closed toe, black, die-to-match) shoes, your yucky hair and your poorly hemmed dress that made me mock you. it had nothing at all to do with the fact that you are nursing justin timberlake's broken heart (obviously he's still reeling from brian and my marriage... i mean it is so clear when he's dating someone that bares such a striking resemblance to me. come on!). beyond that, the ladies just looked breathtaking. honestly, i had a really hard time narrowing down who i should showcase. so, i decided to go with a bridal theme. did you notice the delicious over abundance of cream on the red carpet?

taraji p. henson was my favorite of the evening. her roberto cavalli gown was heaven. the textured layers were so amazing. and she was without a doubt THE whole package. perfect hair, make-up, jewelry and a sparkling personality to pull it all together. ms. henson it is so nice to meet you and i hope this award season won't be the last we see of you!

anne hathaway was another stunner on oscar night. the fantastic armani prive creation looked spectacular. in my eyes, ms. hathaway is red carpet royalty. she takes chances and always looks impeccable. those paillettes reminded me of one of my favs last year, marion cotillard. but hathaway's rendition was less va, va, va voom and more la, dee, da elegant. what more can we expect from such a classic beauty?

penelope cruz's gown took awhile to earn my love, but i've finally fallen hard. this balmain creation was absolutely mesmerizing on sunday night. the pattern around the bodice and the detailing of the skirt are just divine. ms. cruz and her dress deserve top honors.

marisa tomei's versace was another that i wasn't too sure about initially. but the origami-esque pleating has won my heart. that gown is a heart stopping work of art. and despite it's overwhelming volume and presence, tomei wasn't overshadowed. her beautiful make-up, understated accessories and flawless hair were to die for. ms. tomei, well played.

and how about amy adams' jewels? that 1950s fred leighton bib necklace stole the show! incredible. i read that it was 630 carats of emeralds, sapphires and rubies! and if that wasn't enough her carolina herrera dress was gorgeous and her hair was A-dorable. her stylist deserves a gold star!

all in all, sunday was a triumph. the red carpet was truly oscar worthy, none of the awards were wholly unexpected or disappointing and the telecast was the most entertaining i've watched in years. bravo.

photo credits: Steve Granitz/WireImage, Steve Granitz/WireImage, Ian West/Landov, John Shearer/WireImage, John Shearer/WireImage