Almost Lost in Translation

My sister in law was in town recently (OK... so this story is super old. She hasn't been here for months, but I remembered this incident yesterday. Making it current seems like more fun) and we headed to the mall to do a little shopping and have some girl time. She's preparing for a trip to Mexico with her office. Yes, it is true, she has some of the best job perks of anyone I know. Every year her bosses treat the entire office staff to a trip to the beach. It's amazing. Anyway, being the super fit chick she is, of course she was looking for the perfect bikini to take on her trip.

Though she didn't find a suit, she did find running shoes that she had been looking to replace. We stepped up to the check out line and she paid with her debit card. The salesperson asked to see her picture ID. Which, though it slows the purchase down, I am always so glad to have people do. Well, except when they take the card from you and fail to even look at the picture or compare the names on the cards. WT? I mean, why go through the motions? All you're doing is proving to me how simple it is for crooks to nab my charge cards and go on a spending spree. So, the sales guy takes her ID and actually reads her name. And then says something faster than the speed of light and with more twang than an episode of Hee Haw. It sounded something like, "Ewekinta richerfisher?"

The two of us stood there slack jawed and staring at him.

Thankfully, he repeated himself a bit slower. "Er ewwwwe kinta richer fisher?"

The second time, being the seasoned Dixie resident that I am, I caught his question. I turned to my sweet Midwestern sister-in-law and said, "He's asking if you are kin to Richard Fischer?" She looked a bit confused. I looked back to the sales guy and explained that she wasn't from around "these parts" and that I was pretty sure she and Richard were no relation.

The sales guy smiled and asked from where she was visiting? Though it sounded more like, "War ewe fruuuum?" She explained that she lives in St. Louis and that I had only been here a few short years. He smiled and welcomed us both to Chattanooga with a heaping dose of southern hospitality. Then he gamely asked how we might have asked the same question. I told him that "kin" wasn't a term we used very often, but we would have probably said, "Are you related to RicharD Fischer?" (Though the truth is, had a Midwestern sales person been checking the ID I doubt he'd have asked a question like that at all. Checkout lines aren't typically a place to climb the family tree. But that's a whole other post.) He smiled, laughed at himself and exaggerated his accent by asking the question again really slow, "Er ewwwe kin ta richer fisher?" I like it when people can laugh at themselves.

We left the store and I explained that I was pretty proud that it had only taken me twice to understand what he had asked her. I told her, just a year or so ago, that incident might have been much more embarrassing for everyone involved. Thankfully I am now a skilled translator.

"We're Nice Down Here"

I'm pretty sure my brain hit the inside of my skull when I crashed my car into the back of that old lady on Friday morning. The impact was so intense my backseat popped out. Thankfully, though, neither one of us was hurt and our cars weren't badly damaged.

Ok, here come my excuses... It had been raining. We were stopping on a hill. The old lady started to go through the yellow light and then hesitated at the last minute. But, obviously, the front end of my car hit the rear end of her Crown Vic. So, regardless of my excuses, the accident was my fault.

So much for the fallacy that old people aren't tech savvy. She had called 911 before the light turned red!

Since neither of us was hurt, the 911 dispatcher advised that we pull out of the intersection and into a nearby parking lot. Once we did and were out of harm's way, the old lady got out of her car to come and check on me again. I assured her I was fine and asked, again, how she was doing. She started to cry and I gave her a big hug. Honestly, this was the weirdest accident encounter I've ever had.

But, that was just the beginning. Once her husband and the police officer arrived on the scene, all three of them convinced me not to file a police report. What?!?!?! Old lady's husband, said there wasn't enough damage to get the insurance companies involved. He assured me he could easily fix the bumper.

I was hesitant.

When the officer explained that along with the police report he would have to cite me for following too closely, old lady said, "Oh, we don't want to do that." And the police officer agreed. HUH?!?!?!? Old lady's husband, a retired insurance man, (What? We spent 20 minutes together... obviously I know their whole family history) explained that the only need for a police report would be for the insurance company to "get our money." Old lady said, "We've got a lot more experience with this, having raised four kids." The police officer was visibly on board with everything they were saying.

I gotta admit, I was pretty thrown off. I reluctantly agreed, after confirming one last time... that everyone (but me) thought the best course of action was NOT to file a police report. Bizarre. When the guys left, old lady and I exchanged names and phone numbers. While we were writing she asked me, "Are you from Chattanooga?" When I explained that I wasn't, her response was pretty typical, "I didn't think so, I noticed you talked funny."

{crickets chirping}

I bit my tongue and refrained from explaining that Midwesterners are known for NOT having accents. I didn't point out that, in fact, I speak like they do on the network news. I didn't ask her to notice that there is neither a twang nor a nasal inflection in my speech pattern. I stopped myself from accusing her of being the one who actually speaks "funny." Instead, I smiled GENUINELY and thanked her for being so kind and sweet through this whole ordeal. And I really did mean what I said.

She responded by saying, "Well, we're nice down here."

good lord willing and the creek don't rise

i've come up with a new catch phrase.
well, actually, i didn't come up with it. and it isn't really all that new. in fact, it's probably pretty old.

anyway, last night we went to the carrie underwood concert. (lest you judge, live music/touring acts are few and far between in chattanooga and i am actually a fan. so stop laughing.) a wonderful friend used his connections to score some inexpensive seats to the concert and we had a super fun night out with friends. but i digress... the opening act was a band called little big town. until last night i hadn't ever heard of them. what i enjoyed most about their set was a song entitled "good lord willing". why did you enjoy that particular song the most, you ask? well, the refrain of the song has inspired my new catch phrase.

imagine this scenario...
it's the end of the day. we're locking up the center for the night.
coworker: see you in the morning?
molly: good lord willing and the creek don't rise.

or this scenario...
out in the hustle and bustle of christmas shopping; i run into a friend.
friend: will i see you at the christmas party next week?
molly: good lord willing and the creek don't rise.

inspired by that folksy little minx sarah palin, i've decided to mix things up vocabularily. i mean, look how much press she got by saying stupid silly things. perhaps this phrase is just the push i need to rise to super stardom. regardless, i'm thinking this might really help me blend in better to my surroundings. i'm disappointed at my apparent inability to develop a southern twang. 2 years and i still sound like a midwesterner. it's time to take matters into my own hands... or mouth.

after all, sometimes "hopefully" or "that's the plan" just doesn't cut it. there are just some questions that simply deserve an answer chock full of down home charm. and now, thanks to little big town, i know exactly how to respond in those particular circumstances.

how to speak "southern"

"might could"

a phrase used to describe a possibility or probability of action.

for example: "you might could find that CD if you look at best buy"
or: "we might could just meet you there before the show"
even: "i might could order 'hooked on phonics'"

this unlikely combination of words forms a phrase to take the place of "maybe", "possibly" or "probably". it is used when the speaker is a bit unsure yet vaguely confident that what he or she is suggesting is correct or reliable.

that one's for you, christina (hahahaha)

How to Speak "Southern"

"Yes, sir" & "No, ma'am" 

The preferred response to a question requiring an affirmative or negative answer.

For example
q: “Do you know why I pulled you over?” a: “No, sir.
or
q: “Would you like fries with that?” a: “Yes, ma'am.”

These two simple words are packed with an interesting combination of militaristic subordination and down home gentility. It appears to be a way of showing respect whether the person you are speaking to is your elder/superior or not. From very young to very old, down here, you never outgrow this staple of the southern dialect.

how to speak "southern"

"put a whoopin' on"
refrain from giggling when you hear this phrase or the "whoopin'" may be redirected - and rest assured that you'll be sorry. its meaning isn't difficult to discern: to conquer, to annihilate, or to complete.

for example ~ "this week's freeze put a whoopin' on this year's crops"
or ~ "the lady vols put a whoopin' on that rutgers team"
even ~ "you really put a whoopin' on your supper"

while it is probably most often used to describe an actual beating, this phrase knows no boundaries. it won't be pigeon holed. there is not a person or a thing that is impervious to a good "whoopin'" down here. so, watch your back.

how to speak "southern"

"precious"

This versatile term can be used to describe just about anything - people, decor, the Lord. Not being a born-and-bred southerner I'm not sure that I'll ever fully grasp the depth of it's true meaning. But it appears to be complementary in nature.

For example ~ "Is she the most precious thing you have ever met?"
Or, "Yes, I've seen that program, it is precious."
Even, "Well, that dress is just precious, bless your heart"

It is important to note in order for this word to carry it's full meaning, it must be spoken in 3 syllables (p·re·cious) with emphasis placed on the middle "re" syllable and the vowel sound [e] like in "echo".

Seriously, I've heard this word used more often down here than at a tolkien convention. (Speaking of, and as a TOTAL side note, if you're looking for middle earth fashion advice check this out... wow!)

How to Speak "Southern"

“bless your heart”
While it appears to be a charming and endearing addition to a statement, do not be fooled by its seemingly complimentary nature. It is actually a clever way of saying, “You are an idiot”.

For example ~ “Your intentions were good, bless your heart.”
Or, “That’s an easy mistake to make, bless your heart.”
Even, “How nice of you to send flowers, even though Harold has allergies. Bless your heart.”

Like its counterpart “Bless her heart” this is used to soften the veiled blow of the preceding phrase. In this case, the offense that should be taken is much less evident. It is only after the blessing is bestowed that the insult’s true intention is felt.

How to Speak "Southern"

"Buggy"

The wheeled apparatus that transports items around a grocery store prior to check out.
Also known as a grocery cart

For example ~ "Do you need a buggy, Ma'am?"

Particularly difficult to grasp since your head spins after being called "Ma'am" and therefore can't figure out what the heck a "buggy" is, much less if one is needed.

How to Speak "Southern"

"Bless Her Heart"


This deceptively kind sounding phrase is often tacked on to absolve the speaker of any ill will that the preceding statement may illicit from either the listener or the subject of said comment.


For example ~ "That Shelly has the worst taste in men, bless her heart."
or, "Max is a real dolt, bless his heart."
even, "That make-up makes her look like a street walker, bless her heart."


Offering up a prayer for the person of whom the speaker speaks automatically nullifies the appearance of cruel or heartless intention.