escape artist

i was listening to sara bareilles today and these lyrics struck me as pretty familiar.

Gonna sell my car and go to Vegas
'Cause somebody told me
That's where dreams would be
Gonna sell my car and go to Vegas
Finally see my name upon the Palace marquis

Gonna quit my job and move to New York
'Cause somebody told me that's where
Dreamers should go
Gonna quit my job and move to New York
And tattoo my body with every Broadway show.

Listen up now honey, you're gonna be sorry
Can't get out from under a sky that is falling
And you say
No fame no money I'm nobody
The way I'm running has sure got me down
On my knees.
But next stop, Vegas please.
Gotta get to Vegas
Can you take me to Vegas?

it reminded me of a conversation that i had with my girlfriend this week. turns out we share a recurring "reinventing yourself" fantasy. every few years we are each tempted to take off and start all over - new job, new friends, new city. how fun to discover a whole new life? imagine seeing new sights, discovering new restaurants, diving into a whole new community. the plan, to quote my friend, is "to create a fabulous new existence." to adventurous types like us, the thought is intoxicating.

well, at least that's the attractive way to think about my escapist tendencies. it's probably more accurate to describe myself as a runner. truth be told, my "reinventing myself" isn't usually just about looking toward the future. often it's about turning away from the past. for the majority of my life when things get tough at work, in a relationship, in a class or even with a project, i take off. when things get too real, when people get too close, when difficulties arise, i plan an escape route.

if you know me well, you know this is true. i switched high schools AND college in my junior years. since i started working at 16 i've stayed in ONE job for more than 2 years. with the exception of the house i grew up in... i've lived in ONE house for more than 12 months. and i'm not ashamed to say that i nearly have a breakdown when i have to sign a cell contract (come on, it's 2 years!!!!).

some may read that and think i have a problem with commitment. and they might be right... but being married (for these loooooong 2 years ~ ha) has shown me that i am capable of commitment when i set my mind to it. because i've made vows to my husband, i don't have the freedom to bail. but my jobs, or the city i live in... heck even houses can be put on the market. from those less permanent things, i can escape. and often i do.

i bet there's a lesson in that somewhere. but for now, rather than learning it, i'm dreaming of my next career.

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