10.08.2008

W-R-O-N-G

i've got this problem. and up until this morning i thought this problem was someone else's. but i've just realized that this problem actually belongs to me.

you see for years i've had someone in my life involved in something that is wrong. W-R-O-N-G, wrong. and believe me, it isn't only me that doesn't approve. across the board, the behavior is pretty much unapprovable (is that even a word?). heck, this behavior is so wrong, its worthy of new words for wrong. yep, it's unapprovable. so for a couple of years now i've rested on the fact that they have a problem with "unrepentant sin" (excuse the christianese). and i felt like, unrepentant sin is MUCH worse than your everyday, run of the mill, sinny sin. it's one thing to do something wrong, realize you've done wrong, apologize and change your behavior. it is another thing to do something wrong, know what you did is wrong and keep on doing it over and over again. am i right? i am right... the problem is, i have no room to talk.

see, all the years that i've been busy pointing out the sin in their life i've all but ignored a sin in my own life. i won't let it go. i spend hours thinking about speeches i'd like to give to "set them straight." i've said i've forgiven, but i haven't. every chance i get i think of zingers that i can hurl in the future. i replay conversations and rehash "victories" that i won in the past. in my heart there is still hatred. and that hatred is pretty unrepentant! sure, i'll realize that i shouldn't hate. it may even stop me for a while. but it always comes roaring back. i'm so bold, i even try to justify it. look, i did it at the beginning of this post!!! i worry more about their behavior and how wrong it is than how wrong my reaction is. why am i so incapable of extending grace for this particular sin??

i'll tell you why, it is all about my pride and selfishness. it isn't that i want their W-R-O-N-G behavior to change for their own sake. i want it to change for mine. i don't want to have to face, deal with and witness the sin and brokenness anymore. if they stop, i can sweep the whole incident under a rug and forget about it. i don't want to have to fully forgive. if they stop, i'll be off the hook. i won't have to face my inability to forgive. i won't have to do the hard stuff. and better yet i would have won. isn't that sick????

therefore, i'm coming clean. i'm admitting to my own W-R-O-N-G behavior. i'm recognizing that i am just as capable of unapprovable behavior. i'm being thankful that there are people willing to forgive my faults even when i couldn't extend the same grace to others. i'm hoping that their behavior will change, for their sake - not mine. but even when it doesn't, i'm flushing the hatred. hate makes me a hypocrite. hate doesn't feel good. hate is going to age me prematurely. and hate doesn't make me a very fun person to be around. and i'm taking my own advise and choosing to forgive.

so will you PLEASE hold me to this?????

1 comment:

Amy Dover said...

hmmm...seems that someone has watched the nooma video "luggage" recently. just kidding, go Holy Spirit! but, the video is really good by the way.

doesn't it always work this way? the Lord seems to always reveal my own nasty sin by letting me witness the very same sin in others! He has such a sense of humor!

kudos to you for being humble enough to confess before an internet audience!

amy